It's been a while since I last posted, and so much has happened, yet so much has stayed the same. A new baby on the way, the addition of SWAT to my husband's job title, and now the potential addition of another title. Yet, here I am, still a stay at home mother of three kids. I am still facing the same struggles with making ends meet, still having the same fights over nap times, still with the same dreams for a brighter future. It's amazing how life can go so fast in some aspects, leaving me feeling like I'm being left behind in a trail of dust, while other aspects make me feel like it's going so slow, I can see each spec of dust's every movement as it swirls almost non-movingly in front of my face.
Adjusting to my husband's previously non-existent SWAT team being formed and going live in only months left my head spinning. His schedule has never really been set, but knowing he can be called away from anything we're doing at any time isn't easy to get used to. It's unnerving and unsettling to say the least at times. My brain hasn't fully wrapped around everything that position entails. Luckily, so far, I haven't had to really worry about it either.
Then about a week ago, my husband came home and told me a new position opened up in his department. It is a detective position. There's only one in his department, but it is part of a much bigger team. A team that expands through several departments, big and small. He said he didn't really know if he was interested, but he'd like to talk to some people. Days went by, and I asked a few times. His interest didn't seem to go above bored observation.
Then he came home and his entire outlook had changed. His face lit up as he talked about the position. Another officer, one my husband respects very much, had talked with him about what the job was. Suddenly, my head was reeling again. From bored indifference to submitting his statement of interest in only a few short hours. I almost felt blindsided. He had answers for every question I asked, but still, I couldn't help having doubts. This would be another big change for our family.
One of my biggest concerns was overtime. We need it to make bills. The detective position doesn't offer a raise. It's a lateral promotion. My husband's answer was simple, but not nearly as comforting as I had hoped it would be. There would still be the same opportunities for overtime, plus some. There would be an extra hour in the morning if he so desired, and there would be one full week out of every five that he would be on call in addition to his 40 hour work week. He said the last guy that held the position sometimes got 50 hours of overtime in that week. Other weeks he could still get called out if more than the on-call detective was needed.
My concern began to shift. 90 hours away in a single week. Sometimes having to travel over three hours away to autopsies and spending the night away from our family. The on call for SWAT on top of that. This could kill our family. Our children need their father, but if he's working 90 hour weeks, sometimes they're not going to have him.
And what about my needs? I need a break too. I love my kids dearly, but a full week every few weeks with little to no help might just drive me over the edge. I also need to cuddle and talk with my husband. This job could take away my best friend for significant amounts of time. With a new baby on the way, that could be additionally hard.
Then there's my husband. What about him? Obviously he matters too. He doesn't want to be stuck in the same place for years to come. He wants and deserves to move up. This is a great opportunity for him to further expand and explore the part of his job that he loves the most. The investigation. The ability to put away the worst of the worst criminals. He already works hours and hours of overtime only to be frustrated when his suspects get little or no time in jail. The promotion could make his job more fulfilling.
So then, what is the answer? I have yet to even begin to wrap my head around it. I'm still way back here in the swirling pile of dust. Watching each particle as it slowly swirls around me, holding a mystery best left to the future.
