As I read a post today, I thought of a response and carefully worded it to sound the way I wanted to, then deleted it. I know posting it where I was going to would have only made me look like a jerk no matter how it was worded. Instead, I will share my feelings and ideas here. Besides, here I can better explain and articulate without worrying about being too long winded or my awful spelling. (LOVE spell check)
I hear over and over again about parents that feel bad that they can't get this toy, that outfit, the world for their children. It gets worse as birthdays approach or Christmas gets near. Up until last year, Christmas was really hard for me, this Easter, until I saw my kids reactions, I worried about how little I had put in their Easter Baskets compared to what my mother had bought, and I have worried about birthdays in the past. This post will be about my ideas for those three occasions.
Christmas has always been very commercial in my family. My mother still makes a list of how much she's spent on each person, and each person ends up being within a dollar, even if she has to buy a pack of gum to do it. Until I moved out, we also all had the same number of presents under the tree. Each person also has what I now consider a lot of money spent on them. Growing up, I was told we didn't have a lot of money. Looking back now, I know we never really had it rough.
The first few years of being married to my husband was also super hard because I wanted to give 'better' gifts than anybody else. That's what I was used to. While his mother does go a bit overboard and fills the house with presents, they are much more meaningful to the people they go to and to her. I've learned that in his parents' house, the last thing I need to worry about is money. Instead, I should spend my time and energy on finding the thing that is 'just right' for the person, even if it costs nothing.
When we started our own home, I didn't want to feel that pressure, but I did. I wrote lists of what each child was getting so they would each have the same number of presents, and each child would have the same amount of money spent on them. Age and like were taken into consideration, but the end numbers had to come out even. It drove my husband crazy. It drove me crazy that I didn't have 'enough' money to spend on them.
Then I heard about what other families were doing. Yes. Some of them were upset that they didn't have the money to spend. Some of them were worried what their children would think when Santa didn't bring them as much when they had a rough year. Some flat out don't celebrate Christmas with Santa because they feel it is a lie that will harm their relationship with their children. After hearing several ideas, we developed our own, which is based on threes for the three wise men.
We do celebrate with Santa, but he is only allowed to bring three toys to each child, and it has to be made by elves. He can't just go to the store and buy stuff because it's what's hot that year. We fully support work at home parents and elves over store bought when we can.
We also revamped my idea of giving. Each child gets three gifts from us, but it isn't based on money. It is based on what is important to that child. For example, Kaylee prefers the Littlest Pet Shop products, while Alyssa loves to play with hair, so little basket of bows, korkers, and combs would be much more along her interests, and the baby doesn't really want or need much, so a cloth diaper is great for him.
Broken down, one package of LPS toys for Kaylee might cost around $20. Alyssa's will be partly won, partly made, and partly bought. Broken down, maybe $5 in materials to make what I wanted to and $1 for a package of combs. Bub's diaper will cost between $5-30 depending on where I get it. There's no pressure to spend the exact same amount on each one. They are individuals with different likes. Each like or need costs a different amount, and that's ok.
The day before Easter, I looked at the baskets I had for the girls. Each held hand made toys (Kaylee got a doll and Alyssa a bear, plus both girls got an I-Spy bag,) a couple of crochet eggs, and a very small amount of candy. Each toy had been picked very carefully for the child they were for. Then I looked at the baskets my mother had gotten for them. They were overflowing with goodies, each filled with similar items so there would be no fighting. Literally overflowing all over the table. I wanted to cry.
The next morning, the girls ran to the table and tore through the baskets my mother had given them. Toys and candy were everywhere! I walked over feeling awful as I handed each girl their basket from my husband and me. I will never forget the look on Kaylee's face as she pulled out her doll or Alyssa's as she hugged her bear. How foolish I had been. They did enjoy their other toys and candy, but the candy and matching toys are long gone. The dolly, bear, and I-spy bags still get regular use. The crochet eggs won't rot or crack in the years to come.
The last one I came to terms with happened just last month. In June, Alyssa celebrated her second birthday. Like any other time, we didn't have a lot of money to go out and splurge on her. For a while, it bothered me. I'm not unlike many of today's parents. I would love nothing more than to give my children everything they could ever want. In the end, I made her a shirt, and Kaylee handed her a soft blanket from her and her brother, and a book (the Giving Tree) from the family. That was it. Honestly, that's what I'm hoping to do from now on. In total we spent less than $20 (buying the book at Amazon instead of Barnes and Noble saved us $10,) and the kids enjoyed the day as much as if we'd spent hundreds.
Whatever you raise your kids to expect will be what they continue to expect. I would love to give my kids the world, but #1 I can't afford to and #2 they'd be brats. By limiting what we give, we can enjoy our time together, create less stress for ourselves, and overall be happier. Not having money doesn't have to mean extra stress for birthdays and holidays.
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